It was one of those absolutely ordinary days. The Hyderabad sun was at its best and the Telangana guys were at rest. These was nothing out of ordinary that day, nothing that would remind me of it again. And then I looked over your bay and saw you busy at work.
Some strands of your silken hair would keep falling forward and you would keep pushing them back again. Streaks of Loreal played burgundy colors and your yesterdays waxing caught the sun. Amidst the brown pathos of our workplace, I saw a mirage in green. I do not remember which day that was but I remember the color of your chunni.
I do not remember what I had been thinking for ages before this time, but I will never forget what I felt at that freeze frame moment in time. Out of Don Corleone's world came two thunderbolts, the first took Michael, the other caught me unawares. Since that sordid afternoon years ago, I have been so unsuccessfuly in love with you.
Somewhere along the way I made some mistakes. Playing multitude of roles, I missed the prompt, improvized and messed it up. There were no encores, I know I could have played those scenes differently, I know I should have done a better job.
I want to start all over again. I want to give it one more chance. Can I have the stranger back?
I have lost more than I have found, I have not been searching hard enough. I have been heard more often than I have had the patience to hear. I have not been listening enough. I have been loved more than I could return, I have not been caring enough. I have lost more relationships than I could hold on to. I have not been living enough.
And you thought I am done? I have only just begun. For every hour you spent with me there are atleast two more songs to be sung. The day we went to buy a Lehanga and I managed a storeful of distressed salesgirls while you tried 18 dresses before you bought one, and then fought with them too. The time we spent at the park where you forced me to remove my shoes to play in the sand, and then shared with me what makes you you. The time when we went to the movies and I blushed blue, even as you whistled on! The night when crackers lit the night sky, and I could see starlight in your eyes! And the time we went on a camel ride, even as we held on to our lives, that lazy camel had all the fun.
I have enough of you to feed a million lines, there are many more songs to be sung.
There are times in our lives, mostly desolate, when we exercise our right to say goodbye. Goodbye is such a wishful word! We use it to induce guilt, sustain longing, flame desires. We also use it to sever ties. When we use it we believe that there will be a probable change in the status quo. We believe that at that moment in time, our lives take different paths. Goodbyes are Frost like, goodbyes are where the two roads diverge. Goodbyes are the points of divergence in our lives.
I have had my share of goodbyes too. Some have been pleasant and our paths still cross. These are the manageable goodbyes, these are like second life, one of us has decided to change our avatar or teleport ourselves to a different world, the other adjusts. There is another kind of goodbye. The titanic goodbyes. They were here until yesterday. There were with me when the sun went down, they never came back with the morning sun. Two roads diverged in the woods... forever and there was no time for just onelast good…
I know that I would not live forever. I also know that I will not remain young forever. All my lessons are from my past, my future is as unreal as the present that unfolds.
Amidst all these uncertainties, I do not grieve. I do not feel that I have missed out the best in my life, I do not believe that I need to come back again and again. I have lived eternity in a kiss... I know now that it is just another moment in time. And what a moment it is!
And having lived eternity with you, I do not need a future...without you?
What would this life be without music? I remember when as a teen I first fell in love; I remember that I had Rehman’s Roza Janeman to keep me company. Later, when I moved to Kerala for my higher education, the years that I spent longing for mom and dad were filled with “Country Roads” by John Denver and “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks. Songs help fill the silences in my life. When my mind gets bogged down by unfulfilled aspirations, when what is seems a poor cousin to what was and what could have been, songs help retain my sanity. Some of my all time favorite songs are songs that feed the fire of some precious memory or the other. Songs have helped me connect; songs have helped me make amends. Songs have helped me tide over losses, celebrate togetherness. Some time ago I had this somebody in my life who loved ghazals. She loved Jagjit Singh and she would come out with the most beautiful lines from those songs to celebrate some wayward thought. We are no longer together, but Songs re…
Time is a silent killer. It keeps eating away into almost everything I know... all the time. There are days that pass without thoughts of you, days when I am so busy with work that I forget to live life. Life suspends itself on such days. There are no memories of such days. If you ask me what I did, I would say I do not remember.
These are the days when I do not think of you. These are the days that I do not remember.
Normal days are daunting. They start with thoughts of you. I remember the glares you wore and felt all hep. I could see you having fun with all the glares you get when you are out in the crowd. I would remember the excuses you would make when your jeans would tighten a tad, or when you have one of those "Bad hair days."
There is enough of you that I have retained with me, in photos, in lines, in thoughts and in life... to last a lifetime. All days that I remember to have lived are days when you danced in my thoughts. Time is a killer, it keeps eating away into eve…
Some evenings when I drive back home, I look at the empty seat besides me, and then I think of you.
There were evenings when you would run into the car, (as always in a hurry) and switch the blowers to full and take deep breaths. You would talk to yourself, curse the traffic and your sirkari boss, make fun of me and then listen to some songs. You were always so full of life! Every moment shared with you seemed so full of you.
Some evenings as I drive back home... I am reminded of you. I take a deep breath to catch some faint fragrance that you might have left behind, and finding none, I close my eyes and catch you in my thoughts.