I am sure you have read The Godfather. It is one of those very rare books I have read more than once. I have often wondered, when younger, about the relationship Luca had with the Don. It is only now, closer to forty that I understand some bit of it.
As we grow older, our personalities crystalline and go on to take shapes that we might not always love. I love myself, I am also at ease with the way this world sees me. But deep in my heart, there is a silent longing that everyone I ever come across come and tell me that I am a wonderful person. I have always wanted to impact every life I touched, positively. However, when I look back, I see that this is far from reality. Back there in my past are numerous graves of people I have hurt grievously. The worst thing about these graves are that so many of them are unmarked. These are those of strangers to whom I have been less than kind, impolite or mean at various times in my life. There are some who walk around wounded still. These are the once closest to me, my dearest, whom I have hurt the most. When you hurt the once closest to your soul, they bleed and walk around you until you tend to their wounds with love, or until you are are dead.
The problem with Luca was that of all the people in this world, there was only one from whom he wanted respect and love. Respect and love in return of respect and love. The Don knew him as he were, graves and memories and darkness and all. If the Don could love Luca for the devil he was, that would obviously transform Don Corleone into Luca's personal God.
In our lives, we also have our Don Corleone's. People from whom we want acceptance of who we are, as we are, warts and all. When your Don abandons you, this life becomes insufferable. You will look into the mirror and hate what you have gone on to become, or, worse still, you will hate mirrors for the rest of your lives.
Luca was lucky. His Don loved him right till the end. I wish you also to have your personal Dons, and I pray that they love you for whoever and whatever you are and will go on to become. You cannot control your tomorrows. You cannot rewrite your past. Don't bother changing your present, there is very little time for edits. We are not software codes, there are no testers to tweak the codes. No beta versions.